Letter to my 20-year-old self

Something I wish I knew sooner

Raw and Real Conversation

“Are you happy?” I ask my best friend from school.

The year is 2018. More than 6 years ago. We both were 27 at the time. And single.

On a random day, I get a text from her: “I want to share a news with you…”

Since friends know each other, I texted back: “You getting married?”

“You guessed it right! Now I will tell you everything on the phone…” she typed back.

This was my school friend, planning to get married soon, after we had had a conversation where we both were not in awe of the concept of marriage.

After she told me the details, I asked her if she was happy for what she was getting herself into.

“At least I am not bored,” was her reply.

As of now, she does apparently live a good life. But I am not sure if she wanted a life of taking care of her kids, washing dishes and letting her husband do the work and go out.

I am not at all complaining of this life, if this is her choice. My Mom has lived this life all her life, and being a home maker is a great thing. Certainly tougher than going out and working, like me.

Just that I have also seen my Mom lose her sense of individuality, just because no one ever taught her to stand up for it for most part of her life.

I am scared that is slowly happening for this friend too.

This is not just true for this friend. I see soooo many driven, educated, independent girls falling into the trap of relationships that don’t make them better, just make them bitter.

This isn’t a comment on boys being bad. I work with some of the best gentlemen btw. This is rather a conversation with girls, to learn how to value yourself.

So, today I will do something different. I will write a letter to my younger self. To my 20-year-old self. To all the beautiful girls out there telling them what I wish I knew sooner.

Dear Nishtha,

Just because a guy asks for your number does not mean he loves you.

Text messaging, talking on phone, spending time—if someone is making all that effort with you, it is good enough for sensitive girls like you to blind yourself to the reality.

I am not saying that all guys who do this are bad people. Well, this is exactly how good relationships begin too. However, what I am trying to say is, that when your definition of love inside your own home is distraught, you rarely recognise the definition of self-respect and love. Until life gives you too many pains, sometimes irreversible ones, to deal with for life.

May you not let that to happen to you.

May you fall so deeply in love with yourself that you know the difference.

Nishtha, a home does not have to be “broken” or “divorced” in order for it to be a dysfunctional family. A dysfunctional family could very well exist in between a seemingly happy middle class family.

Nishtha, your elder sister was a Jhansi ki Rani before her marriage. Now she is the not even her ghar-ki-rani after her marriage. Why? Not because she cannot move out. But because for most parents a dead daughter is better than a divorced daughter. The rooting is so deep ingrained in our systems that Jhansi-ki-Ranis forget to love themselves altogether.

Nishtha, you must be grateful for all the love you have in family. But you must also read good books and spend time working with other smart people outside to understand that maybe if there is a prick in your heart about how love in your family operates.

Nishtha, you can be focused on your work without anxiety, if you have love back at home. Now, no one of us can choose what home we are born in. However, every single one of us can choose to become financially independent and be on our own, to decide what we choose to accept as love, and what we choose not to.

Nishtha, people who truly love you will respect your schedule, not beg you to change it according to them. At the same time, you would be okay shifting things a bit for them, instead of doing so out of obligation.

Nishtha, life becomes way easier when you look at your parents as people who brought you into this world, instead of looking up to them as “people who know everything about everything, including love.” They tried their best and are still trying. Love them for that, but at the same time, learn to unlearn everything you must.

Nishtha, healthy relationships in any area of life feel like breeze. They will require your effort and understanding too. That is fine. At the same time, if you are the one making too much effort, maybe you should make that same effort in understanding if you need to make so much effort.

Nishtha, books heal. Journalling heals. Going for a walk heals. Meditation is magical. Working out every day is magical. Do not take these as motivational mumbo-jumbos. These are your truest friends, every single day, if you invest time with them.

Nishtha, the most important thing in the world is to keep your enthusiasm going. Nothing is worth losing the love you have for life.

Nishtha, learn to be a learner so you figure out what your values are, and you have the discipline to live by them. When you know what you stand for, whatever you don’t want to stand for—withers away.

Nishtha, the most important thing I have learnt, after seeing my elder three sisters and so many other people pretending to live happily in marriages, is that you are great without marriage too (perhaps better off), just in case no one told you.

Nishtha, in conversations like this, it is easy to overlook the importance of money. However, a huge part of confidence comes from having financial confidence. Build your corpus and invest your money—in all three—equity, debt and emergency fund, and it will have positive effect on areas of your life you didn’t even know.

Lastly, Nishtha, if you can, may you love yourself enough that you also get to pick the career you love. Everyone in the world will convince you it is impossible. If they believe it, it is true. The question is what you believe in. Not just today. But every day, every week, every month. That is invariably creating your reality.

We all get to create the lives we live. Some do it unconsciously. Others do it consciously. May you pick the latter.

You deserve so much more than feeling tiny. May you see yourself as what I see yourself as.

Loads of love,

33-year-old Nishtha

2 Raw One Liners

• Overconfidence cannot compensate for incompetence.

• Your excellence at work is a direct reflection of your rituals outside of work.

3 lines I loved for Real, that you might too:

1. Sometimes we opt for more instead of better. But better is better than more. (The Practice, Seth Godin)

2. Injuries done to us by others tend to be acute; the self-inflicted ones tend to be chronic. (Nassim Nicholas Taleb, via @morganhousel)

3. Don’t be the best. Be the only. (Excellent advice for Living, Kevin Kelly)

Chalo friends, that is it.

May you love yourself so you are able to love others better.

Have a great weekend!

Nishtha Gehija

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