My biggest life regret EVER
Something I'd want to go back and reverse...
Hey Everyone!
Hope you’re doing awesome. And hope you bought very little or no stuff on Black Friday that you don’t need :)
This is our weekly newsletter Raw and Real, where every week I share:
1 Raw and Real conversation
2 One Liners (because people say your girl is epic at them)
3 Gratitudes (because gratitude brings plentitude)
Let’s get started!
1 Raw and Real Conversation
I am someone who looks at her mistakes as life lessons, instead of wishing they didn’t happen.
After all, if we were born perfect we wouldn’t be living in this seemingly imperfect world :)
Never regretted any mistake in life.
Except one…
Something I truly truly wish to go and reverse:
In 2016, at the age of 25, I fell into a relationship with a married man.
Wait, what?
We were just friends.
I never wanted to move beyond friendship.
Until one day, the guy said: “You once texted me when my wife left me after a huge fight. And I took it as a sign from the universe that you are the one.”
Of course, that was weird. It was just a normal text. With no hidden meaning.
I even told him: “Ye to locha ho gaya.” (Translated: This is a mess!)
But in the days after, I made huge mistakes, such as:
The guy started putting senti WhatsApp DPs stating how he was deceived in love. (Such major red flag, no???) I felt responsible. Idiot me!
I asked my then boss whom I considered to be a father figure (and vice versa), stating: “If your daughter was in such a situation, what would you say?” He responded: “I would tell him what I felt about the guy, but if she still wanted to go ahead, we would support her.”
Another school teacher of mine was a life coach back then, and she suggested: “But he loves you, and love is right.”
While they all shared their points of view, I believe only I had (and have) the right to make my life decisions.
The decision that, according to them, was right, was not right according to me.
I don’t know or don’t even care if it was love - if love came at the cost of or as a result of someone else’s broken marriage, it was foolishness.
Alas, it took me several months and mistake of saying “yes” to him that I realised that truth.
I did move out of that “relationship” after a few months, though.
But truth be told, being in that relationship is my biggest life regret till date.
The relationship was based on lies.
On secrets.
And on blackmails (yes, your girl went through some).
I will not comment on that person, but for sure I should not have committed to someone who was committed.
I was living a part of my life as a secret - shared with no one - that sort of took my life out of alignment.
I was appearing happy to the world but the person who looked back to me into the mirror - I was lying to them every day.
That’s why, if I could get one chance to reverse anything in my life, it would be to go back and say no to that guy.
No.
No despite a blackmail.
No despite emotional trauma.
No, and immediate blocking.
No means no.
Alas, the irony of life is you cannot reverse your regrets.
They stay there, waiting for you to write lessons in emails like this :))
But the best thing you can do from those regrets is learn lessons from them in a manner that those lessons become your biggest shining points.
So after a lot of reflection, here are some changes I made to my life after that:
I became adept at saying no. Doesn’t mean I didn’t make mistakes after that. But I have certainly never made a mistake of going against my biggest value: Truth and honesty. A year or two later, I even reached out to that guy’s wife (yes, she knew) and had a chat of 10 minutes to apologise, not with the intent of being forgiven but the intent of letting her know that it won’t happen ever again.
I have now developed a very strong sense of intuition when someone genuinely means a connection and when they are wanting to go for connection into affair, etc. The lack of awareness of the latter was the root cause of my life’s biggest regret.
I have learnt to understand that emotionally unavailable parents in childhood unconsciously created an adult version of me that fell for someone unavailable - because it felt familiar! Therapy and this book helped a lot :)
Most importantly, I have realised that desires never get fulfilled. People get out of bad marriages or have a side affair while having a great married life. But my biggest desire is to be able to fly, to be put on a CCTV camera at any time and be an inspiration for the viewer, and to make sure my parents always say this about me. Anything else is not what I would sign up for. I am glad I have been able to live life like that, after that.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Reason #1: Because Nithin Kamath said that talking out what is in his mind has been the biggest thing that has brought freedom to him. You postpone it and it only gets complicated.
Reason #2: As a consequence of reason #1:
Recently, an old friend of mine from my college days wanted to keep usual chit-chats and conversations with me going but he never wanted to connect on WhatsApp, only on social media and phone calls during office hours (not on weekends) - because his wife would know! But bro we are not having an affair! Still, he didn't want that to happen.
After a couple of months, I pulled the trigger and said no to that friendship.
No hiding.
Only living authentically.
Why - simple life mantra:
Anyone could catch me doing anything and there is nothing to hide.
It turns out, that biggest life regret of my life saved me from becoming a secret. Something I am so proud of!
There is a line we study in spirituality: Sach to bittho nach, translated:
If you are truthful, then you just keep dancing no matter what, because you never did anything fundamentally wrong. After all, the only person you are answerable to, is you!
Of course, that was a very good friend. Never crossed any boundary.
But if a friend is actively making sure their family doesn’t know of you, things aren’t the best. Think Anushka Sharma - would she ever hide anything like this from Virat? Nope!
That is alignment. That is honesty. That is authenticity.
Phew, life is complicated!
It wasn’t a beautiful thing to let go of that friend.
It is a loss.
My therapist said that I am glad you are recognising this is a loss, even though it is the right thing for you to do. And it’s okay to grieve that too!
But I am so happy to not be a secret someone hides from their family, and to live by my own authentic self. (One secret reason why we all kinda admire Anushka Sharma.)
Most importantly, I am so happy for setting an example to my 16-year-old nephew and niece, that even in the middle of crisis, I did not succumb to “he is a good friend so what, let’s be a secret,” and stood by my values.
I also feel weird that my former team mates who are on this email list and who look up to me as an example, who called me as their Mummy - what would they think, but I hope my power to say no and stick to my values would inspire them and be an example when life throws such unexpected curve balls at them.
Sach, to bittho nach!
PS: Some additional read on being authentic I coincidentally bumped into only yesterday and today:
PPS: I would have never shared the entire story I shared today, on the internet. But because my parents know about it, it truly doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me. Talk authenticity :)
On that note, let’s go to some quirky one-liners:
2 One Liners:
Buying bottles/drinking from free packaged water served in conference rooms doesn't make you look cool. Carrying water bottles from home does.
There is a direct correlation between how much you read and how happy you are.
3 Things to be grateful for:
My bestie Chinar - when I texted her of this break up with a friend, she offered to talk, and did not judge me when I was up till 11.30 pm last night, instead of usual 9.30 pm :)
My work - I so look forward to doing it every single day, no matter what.
My space of home - I took some time to just be, had meals at unusual hours, and also opened laptop very late today - and I was okay and accepting of myself. I was grieving a friend’s loss yet proud of myself for not being a secret someone keeps from my family.
On that note, hope you have a weekend and life filled with authenticity.
And may you have the power to say no to things that don’t align with your values.
Thank you!!
Nishtha
PS: Whenever you are ready, here are two ways I can help you:
The Art of Corporate Communications, a course that shares the exact system I used to go from 0 to communicating with people of 20+ years of experience, conducting audits with opposing people for 5 years, managing Content team of a brand with 9Mn+ followers, and now leading my solopreneurship. (Fun fact: 90% of problems are due to communication).
The Career Changing Guide, a simple easy to read e-book to change your career to do something you love, and make money off it.
Thankyou for sharing 👏🏻