The best gifts cost NOTHING
Other than your intent to give them away
Heyy People!
Welcome to another edition of Raw and Real, where every week, we speak about:
1 Raw and Real conversation on Life
2 One-liners (because they are cool)
3 Gratitudes (because you get more of what you are grateful for :))
Let’s go!
1 Raw and Real conversation: Give people the gift of being seen
A former colleague shared an instance the other day.
She was speaking to a friend after a long time.
The first few minutes of the conversation, they speak about the other person.
My colleague is quiet.
They think she has nothing to share. (While the colleague knows this friend suppresses what she says so she decided not to drain her energy.)
They finally ask my colleague a question. (Why shouldn’t this be the default, bruh?)
“So, when are you going to your hometown for Diwali?”
“I plan to leave on Saturday, 11th.”
“Oh, by then we would have already reached Thailand for our vacay. We are also travelling on Thursday…”
What’s the first thing you notice here?
Someone is just done speaking about themselves, is now switching to the other person, and after sounding courteous for a second, they are back to themselves.
…
In another instance, my school friend Abha and I were speaking of how we couldn’t talk fully well the last time we met, because a third friend also accompanied us.
“She might have felt lost, ‘coz we asked her about her life,” Abha said.
“But she could also ask us everything about our lives, and yet chose not to. Friendships or any relationship doesn’t work like that,” I suggest.
We finally agreed the third friend, while being responsive, was hardly listening to us to know our whereabouts.
…
Truth be told, it is quite exhausting in any relationship.
Where you are the giver, the other person usually is speaking about themselves, and if you put in something about you, instead of getting more curious, they finish that off in a sentence and are back to themselves. (A one-minute read by Nicolas Cole I haven’t stopped thinking about, here.)
I believe here are two reasons this happens:
The person speaking themselves out thinks they have a lot of problems, and they need to be shared. Truth be told, we thrive in relationships only when we grow together.
Another reason - the person speaking think they know the other friend already. However, the truth is each one of us is evolving and changing every single day. Which is precisely the reason the “speaking” friend is sharing themselves out. And the reason speaking friend must become the “actively listening” friend as well :)
Q: So what do we do to truly care in relationships?
A: Truly care!
As simple as this :)
Here is how:
Listen to the other person. Not ready with your response in your head. But to understand. If they don’t share something, ask them.
When they speak, ask more. When my colleague said “Going on Saturday” the friend could have responded with “Oh, so you like to be present with family before Diwali begins?” OR “Is it how you usually spend your Diwali?” Based on that response, the conversation goes forward.
If you disagree with something they say (and that’s absolutely normal), ask more. For example, if a friend says “I am waiting for the next edition of iPhone to buy it” a good thing to say will not be “it is too expensive, better get two versions older phone” but rather “Okay, that’s cool, so what features are you looking forward to in that one, that are missing in current versions?”
You get to learn their point of view, without having to challenge either one. And that’s win-win.
(PS: When you ask questions to things you do not agree on, it also provokes them to think. Rarely happens when we simply disagree.)
In every transaction we have, my friend, we are giving away something - our time, our values, ourselves.
And when we don’t care, we quietly tell the other person loudly:
“You don’t matter. I do. Period.”
What I know for sure, if you are reading till here, you don’t necessarily mean that.
As a matter of fact, a lot of celebs in their interviews say that when they meet SRK, he makes you feel like you are the centre of the universe. No doubt why everyone loves him beyond his work.
So why not make it purposeful when we meet people this Diwali?
This Diwali, give people the gift of:
- being seen,
- being heard,
- being right there, where you meet them.
In fact, why only Diwali, why not every conversation - as much as we love speaking about ourselves, we must also love actively listening to people. Otherwise we are simply venting out, not making a relationship.
(PS: About the friend of my colleague I mentioned at the start - she will will give him this feedback once he returns from Thailand lol. If he understands, epic. If he doesn’t, that’s also useful information.)
2 One-Liners:
There is a direct correlation between how much you read and how happy you are.
The best cricketers eat well, and try to keep their mind free. A life lesson right there, for all of us.
3 Gratitudes:
For the ability to write this newsletter to you all: I honestly look forward to this part of the week :)
To be able to work out: Helps burn the two pieces of mithai I am eating for these 3-4 days.
Meditation: Most people think it is for people who have “arrived”. Truth is, it helps you “arrive”, just like fitness does.
On that note, wish you and yours a Happy Diwali from me and mine (bringing Insta story vibes :D)
Most importantly, may you be happy beyond days and dates, and as a lifestyle :)
Thank you, and have a great weekend!
Nishtha
PS: If a festival feels daunting, this might help.
PPS: Whenever you are ready, here are two ways I can help you:
The Art of Corporate Communications, a course that shares the exact system I used to go from 0 to communicating with people of 20+ years of experience, conducting audits with opposing people for 5 years, managing Content team of a brand with 9Mn+ followers, and now leading my solopreneurship. (Fun fact: 90% of problems are due to communication).
The Career Changing Guide, a simple easy to read e-book to change your career to do something you love, and make money off it.